The Gift at the Top of Every Teen’s Wish List: Freedom
When I first started Teen Connections, I wasn’t blogging yet — I was just posting on Instagram, answering the everyday parenting questions that show up in our kitchens and carpools.
When I was looking for inspiration for this week’s blog, I went back to some of my earliest Teen Connections posts. One that stuck out was the question:
“How do I know how much independence my teen can handle?”
And honestly, what a perfect question for this time of year. While we are running around trying to figure out what our kids want for Christmas, it hit me that the thing they want more than anything doesn’t cost a single dollar:
Freedom. Independence. Trust.
But are they ready?
The Tale of Two Kids
My 11-year-old son wants a phone for Christmas. Badly.
And this year, it’s a hard no.
And I have been told…It’s not fair!
When my daughter was in fifth grade she got a phone for Christmas, so it’s only fair, right? Wrong!
Exhibit A as to why “IT’S NOT FAIR!
But here’s the truth: just because one child got something at a certain age doesn’t mean that becomes the family rule. It just doesn’t work that way.
When my daughter was in fifth grade, she was still coming out of COVID life. She had spent two years at home using her iPad or my phone to stay connected to her friends. And because of that, I had a front-row seat to how she handled group chats, tone, digital drama, all of it. I could monitor it and teach her. It made me feel okay about her having a phone.
My son? Love him. Great kid. A Fan Favorite…But he’s different.
He has an iPad for YouTube and games. He’s not lacking technology — he’s just not ready for something he’d carry with him everywhere. This is the same kid who forgets to wear his watch, who has had two basketballs go missing, and who could leave a sweatshirt at school even though it means walking out into the freezing cold. A phone is a lot of responsibility. And a lot of money.
And yes — most of his friends have phones. This isn’t a holier than though decision- it’s a personal- my kid isn’t ready-decision.
That’s the point: every kid is different, and our decisions should be based on our kids, not everyone else’s timeline, or the timeline that was right for our other children.
I know I’m talking about my 11 year old but it’s a never ending journey of our kids asking for things or freedoms that we aren’t ready to give. So how can we know when they are ready? I’ve broken it down so you can think about if your teen or tween is ready for the next step…
So How Do You Know They’re Ready?
Here are a few things to check in on:
Responsibility with current privileges
Do they follow through on tasks like homework, cleaning their room, and extracurricular activities with minimal prompting or reminders? If they manage small responsibilities well, they are more likely ready for bigger ones.
Decision-making skills
When faced with choices do they think things through, consider consequences, and generally make sound decisions? Do they know when to ask for help and understand when a situation requires guidance from a trusted adult?
Impulsive or reckless behavior may indicate they aren’t ready or need more structured guidance.
Honesty and trustworthiness
Do they communicate openly, admit mistakes, and respect boundaries?
Do they take ownership of their behaviors and the consequences that come with it?
If they consistently lie or omit information they may not be ready for more freedom.
BUT...
Lying can also be a side effect of too-strict parenting, strict parents don’t raise obedient teens, they raise sneaky ones. Open dialogue about what you need from them, in order to trust them with more independence, could be the solution.
How they handle failure
Can they bounce back from mistakes and learn from them, or do they blame others and refuse to take responsibility?
Failing is a normal part of trying, and we learn more in our failures than we do in our success. How we handle our failure says a lot about emotional maturity and is a good predictor for how they will handle new experiences in the future.
Emotional regulation
How do they handle frustration, disappointment, or stress?
Are they able to name and acknowledge their feelings and identify their triggers?
OR...
Do they react impulsively or dramatically and perseverate on the feeling and not have a way of dealing with what is behind the feeling?
Emotional regulation is a learned behavior and can be taught, and it takes time. Teens are a work in progress.
Peer influence
Are they easily swayed by their friends, or can they stand their ground when necessary?
Do they have a solid group of friends that they can be their authentic self with, or are they trying to fit in with a group?
Have they demonstrated the ability to think for themselves in the past?
Consider their friend group and who will be with them, allowing new experiences may depend on the company they keep.It is perfectly ok to allow new experiences with one group of friends and not another.
Friends can bring out the best and the worst in us, and they have a huge influence on our behavior.
Situational readiness
Independence isn’t all or nothing.
A teen might handle going to the mall with friends differently than taking public transportation to a concert.
The crazy part is the only way to gain situational readiness is to allow them the independence to try out new experiences.
We don’t want to throw them into a situation they aren’t prepared for. However, if they can come to you and plead their case and put time, energy and effort into convincing you, most likely they are ready. But, are you..
Your readiness as the parent
(Yes — parental readiness is real. Sometimes the hardest part is us.)
As the parent we want to protect them and keep them safe, it’s our job.
However, taking potential experiences away from them because we aren’t ready can cause our teens to doubt themselves.
If they know we trust them to be responsible and make good decisions , they don’t want to let us down and they want to prove to us that they can handle it.
Teens who feel trusted, trust themselves.
By the time they’re 18, most of our kids will be working, driving, at college, or spending huge chunks of time outside of our reach. Preparing them for that level of independence doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in a hundred small, intentional steps.
And that’s our job. Preparation.
Independence is a gift than money can’t buy
So maybe it’s…
a later curfew
a solo outing with friends
walking home
a little more privacy
a new responsibility
If you think they’re ready, write it in a card. Tell them what growth you’ve noticed this year — the maturity, the choices, the effort — and let them know you’re ready to trust them with something new.
Nothing makes a teen trust themselves more than knowing you trust them, too.
I sincerely hope you are finding joy this holiday season!
Your friend,
Caitlin
