Non-Negotiables

A few times in my blog I’ve mentioned my “non-negotiables” and always said I would do a separate post to explain them—so here it is.

I’m not sure when or how I started my non-negotiables for my family, but I find them incredibly valuable, and I honestly think every family should have them. They’re similar to a mission statement, just not as formal.  We have so much  to worry about as parents. We’re constantly seeing new things that add to our anxiety about raising good kids.

For me, non-negotiables are my major focus. They’re what I place the most emphasis on. I know that if these three things are solid, everything else will work itself out.

So, without further ado, here are my family’s non-negotiables—in no particular order.

Seatbelts.

I was raised by a State Trooper father and a Nurse Practitioner mother in the 80s and 90s, before “Click It or Ticket.” My car did not move until everyone was buckled. My father would always say, “I have seen accidents where the car was going 80 miles per hour, wrapped around a tree, and the driver walked away with cuts and scrapes because they had their seatbelt on… and I have pulled up to terrible crash scenes where the driver was only going 35 but didn’t have their seatbelt on, and they had no chance.”

Of course, I would challenge him and say, “I heard about a guy who died because he couldn’t get out of the car—he was stuck in his seatbelt and the car exploded.” He would reply, “You heard one story. I have hundreds.”

I feel naked without a seatbelt, even if I’m just moving my car in a parking lot. Wearing one is a habit I could never break. Seatbelts save lives. I even wrote a paper on it in college—loser, I know.

When my kids were little, seatbelts didn’t have to be in my non-negotiables. They were quite literally non-negotiable. As they got older and started riding in other people’s cars, I always said, “I don’t care if someone doesn’t tell you to put your seatbelt on—it’s on you. You buckle up in every car. Don’t wait for an invitation.”

Now that my daughter is in high school and playing sports, she takes rides with other teenagers. I keep saying, “I don’t care if you think it’s uncool,” and she rolls her eyes and says, “I don’t think it’s uncool, I always wear my seatbelt.” Okay—oops. My bad.

I will never forget when my son was about two. We were headed to the Cape, stopped at Walmart for essentials, got everyone loaded back into the car with snacks in hand, and were turning onto the highway when my son simply slid out of his car seat and said, “Momma.” He was unfazed. My daughter and I were screaming like there was a poisonous snake on the loose. I swerved to pull over and buckle him back in.

The mom guilt was overwhelming. I was rushing. I needed to slow down. They are the most important things in my world, and I couldn’t even remember to buckle them. I cried the rest of the way.

That memory is etched in my brain—and in my daughter’s. “Remember when you forgot to buckle Charlie?” Yes. Yes, I remember. 

He has no memory of it, but I made a vow to myself that day: seatbelts will never not be a priority. My son still needs reminders, which honestly stresses me out—how is it not a habit by 11? But slow and steady, I keep reminding him-honestly, yelling at him. I even find crash test dummy videos to show him,so he knows Mom isn’t just crazy… okay, maybe I am, but I’m also not wrong!

Sleep.

My entire last blog was about sleep, so I won’t repeat myself too much here. But I cannot stress enough how valuable sleep is for all of us—especially for our teens.

I’ve always been serious about sleep, but not to the point of leaving a party early when my kids were little. There are exceptions to every rule. I just always felt that getting them to bed was my responsibility. It couldn’t be left to chance.

I made sure they got their energy out, had a bedtime routine they looked forward to, and that I didn’t cave to manipulation tactics. I read to them, played with them, rubbed backs, listened to books on tape (now known as Audible). There were nights I hated it and wished I could just be on the couch with a glass of wine—but it was my priority, so I sucked it up.

Kids’ sleep routines dictate their moods and personalities, and they’re already unpredictable. Sleep narrows the margins of that unpredictability.

It’s no different as they get older. They just have more free will, more tasks, more distractions. So now more than ever, they need parents who emphasize sleep. It’s not that we never go to bed late—life happens. It’s about resetting the next day.

Kindness.

I am not kind to a fault, but I try to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t need people to be kind to me in order for me to be kind to them.

I do believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you—not point for point, but in the grand scheme of life. Kindness creates connections. It opens doors. It creates opportunities.

There are people I don’t like, but there’s always a reason—and it’s always based on actions and behavior. That’s accountability. I don’t treat those people unkindly; they just get the absence of my kindness, if that makes sense. Lead with kindness, but don’t entertain disrespect.

I mess up. I’m human. But when I am unkind, it’s because of actions—how someone has treated me, my family, a friend, a student, or a player. It’s not out of envy. It’s not based on wealth, race, education, gender, sex, or identity.

I have a sign in my classroom that says, “How you treat others says a lot about you.” I believe that goes in both directions.

I cannot control my kids’ actions and reactions. I’m sure they have hurt people’s feelings or been unkind—they are kids, and they are learning. I don’t want obedient kids who just sit there and take it. I want them to defend their friends and each other. But you don’t have to be unkind to stand up for yourself or for others.

People like kind people. They trust them. They want to be around them. So we do our best to be kind—and if we can’t be kind, we just don’t be mean.

These are my non-negotiables. I encourage you to come up with yours, too.

Start by brainstorming all the things you’re trying to instill in your kids. Then look through that list and identify the true deal breakers for you. It might be communication, hygiene, eating a certain number of meals together each week, family-only vacations, no name-calling between siblings, honesty, responsibility, accountability, two fruits and three vegetables a day—there’s no right or wrong.

Having non-negotiables helps us let go of the little things and focus on what matters. And they can change as your kids grow.

It’s not that I don’t think school or grades are important—I do. I just don’t prioritize them. A grade doesn’t make or break you. You are more than your GPA. I care about attitude and effort. If you’re showing up, learning, and trying, you’ll be fine in the grand scheme of life.

It’s not that I don’t value relationships—I do. They just come more naturally to my family, so I put my focus on things that are harder, like kindness in the face of adversity or remembering to wear a seatbelt.

These non-negotiables become our core values and habits for life. Teenagers are forming pathways that quite literally lead them into adulthood. Our job is to ingrain our values so that even when they are out of our sight and out of our reach, we know they are in good hands.

Their own hands.

Your Friend,

Caitlin