Summer Sibling Squabbles
I mean, if I’m being honest, my kids fight all year long! Sometimes it feels like I am in a scene from Step Brothers, which can be comical, but when it’s all the time, it makes me feel like I am going to explode!
You may have noticed that your kids can go from laughing to fighting to laughing again within the same five minute window, and it’s for a good reason. What we see, hear and experience as fighting, they experience as holding their ground, standing up for themselves, and advocating for what they see as an injustice. There is a definite disconnect between us and them- in so many ways! We often step in, intervene, and try to “make it nice,”(hopefully the RHONY fans understood that joke!) I don’t think I have ever stepped in and “made it nice,” all it ever does is double down on my children trying to prove to me why they are right, their sibling is wrong, and how and why I always favor the other one! Never have they ever said “Oh you know what mom, you are right, we shouldn’t be arguing over something so insignificant.” So then why am I writing this blog if I have no advice to FIX THE FIGHTING???
Thanks for asking! I want you to know that it’s normal behavior and how to ride the wave, instead of getting sucked into the riptide. Let me explain…
As parents, we jump in to fix or teach a lesson, or just to MAKE IT STOP, and honestly, because not interrupting seems negligent. There are no perfect parenting strategies that will make them best friends today, but there are reasons for the behaviors that will help us understand and be a little more compassionate.
The reality is that siblings growing up in a safe home generally “battle to bond” as opposed to siblings growing up in a tumultuous home, who usually “bond to battle.” Battling to Bond means that our kids fight and argue aka battle, which forms the bond they will need to confront the “battles,” the hardships, that come with life and being a family. When kids are growing up in an environment that feels/is unsafe they bond with each other first to create trust, safety and protection to go into battle as a united front. It is a form of security.
Having kids that fight is a testament to you as a parent that they feel safe to express themselves. They are quite literally exercising their freedom of speech as well as their freedom to express themselves, because- well, they have the freedom to do so. I love a good comedy movie analogy, but if you can zoom the lens out on Dale Doback & Brennan Huff (aka John C. Reilly & Will Ferrell in Step Brothers,) you can see the battle to bond example perfectly. Dale & Brennan are forced to live as brothers, under the same roof, when their parents marry. When they meet they have an instant hatred for each other, each viewing the other as a threat. They insult, embarrass and kick the crap out of each other, while tattletailing to their respective parents. All of their battling finally culminates in a bond when they both realize they have a mutual hatred for Brennan’s obnoxious brother, Derek. They have to put their differences aside to take down Derek!!
You see this dynamic in war and in sports. I could probably go on all day, but the sports history that comes to mind is the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team aka “Miracle on Ice.” These young men were from all over America and rival teams- they did not blend well. They forged a bond for their mutual anger and hate of their coach at first, but then turned those bonds into a love of America and respect for their sport and a sense of responsibility to take home the gold. If you don’t know the story you can watch the movie MIRACLE on DisneyPlus, OR you can read the original book, ‘ONE GOAL’ written by my uncle and godfather, John Powers… but I digress.
I bet you have seen your kids unite, maybe it was against you - lol- or because one of them was truly sad, or injured, or angry and their sibling had their back in their time of need! That is when I am instantly like, “I knew it- they do love each other!” They don’t always have a battle to bond for, so instead they just battle.
Summer is a little different. There is something about too much time together, limited structure, and heaven forbid somebody eating the last of something- that can turn your living room into a WWE ring!
At my house, summer really does not change anything, except for the amount of time they have together to chew too loud, be in the bathroom for too long, look at each other funny, you get the drift! It has me breaking up more fights than usual, which gets me annoyed, and then they both look at me like I am the problem- and I know I’m not alone!
I want you to know that you are not alone either!
So this week, I’m offering tools, not tissues — here’s how to anticipate the squabbles and encourage more teamwork (or at least temporary truces):
What to Watch For: The Triggers
Boredom – Unscheduled time is a breeding ground for sibling fights!.
Competition – Who gets the car? Who got more money this week? Who’s plans came first? Who gets the priority of the Uber driver, a.k.a me?
Personal Space Invasion – Especially in shared rooms or on a family trip! Even if you have a huge house, inevitably they land in close proximity to each other!
Feeling Unseen – One sibling may feel like the “extra” in the other’s highlight reel.
Screen & Streaming Rights (who gets the TV, the Xbox, the WiFi bandwidth…)
Unfair Chores (they always think they do more!)
Friend FOMO (“Why does SHE get to go out again?”)
Parental Favoritism Perception (spoiler: they both think the other is the favorite)
Proactive Parenting: How to Stay A Few Moves Ahead
Create a Daily Rhythm – Even a loose plan helps reduce aimless conflict.
Define Personal Space – Set clear boundaries: whose stuff is whose, who has dibs on certain spaces, devices, food etc.
Make Responsibilities Transparent – Post a visible schedule, or send a text to the family group chat, so it’s not up for debate.
Preload Empathy – individual conversations with each kid about what will make the day run smoother i.e. not annoying their sister!
Checking in individually can help with sibling tension, sometimes the fighting is a side effect of feeling unseen or frustrated.Be prepared for the fighting to be over the top, either getting physical, or spilling out of the home and into…gasp…public! What are your consequence choices, is it taking something away from them; their car, their phone, their freedom? Is it forced family fun time? No rides for a day- you will re-evaluate after you see their behavior for 24 hours? Or maybe its one of the joint missions below!
Flip the Script: From Enemies to Allies
Joint Missions:
Make a lemonade stand! I don’t care how old they are, people love a lemonade stand!
Plan and cook a “sibling dinner” (let them pick the menu + roles)
Create a TikTok dance, movie trailer, or family trivia game.
Joint Summer Goals:
Plan a day out together with a shared budget- the only way to get the money or the ride for the day, is to create and present the plan.
Create a sibling Spotify playlist (yes, negotiations required, 3 vetoes each, use them wisely!)
“Come up with 2 things you want to do this week together — go!
“Here’s $10 — make/buy each other a treat without help. Hack: If one sibling puts together things they know their sibling will hate, on purpose, the other sibling gets to take their gift back.
Shared Rewards: Nothing motivates like mutual gain, think about something they both have been asking for and use it as a motivator:
“If both of you can go through your closets and put things to donate, then I am happy to take you back to school shopping, but we aren’t going unless both of you get it done.”
“Dua Lipa is coming to the Garden, and you both want to go…I would love to make that happen for you… here is what I need…” Give them some clear responsibilities and tasks that are short or long term.
Bottom Line:
The summer brings a lot of together time, a pressure cooker for siblings to do what they do best… annoy each other!
Sibling dynamics are different in every family, and if you have kids that don’t fight, Congratulations!! I don’t know why you would have read this far if you do! Siblings who don’t fight are an anomaly, and usually it has more to do with individual temperaments than some crazy parenting hack! Sibling squabbles aren’t a sign you’re doing anything wrong — they’re practice grounds for emotional regulation, negotiation, and figuring out how to live with people who sometimes drive you nuts (just like adulthood).
What we hear and see as fighting is just them communicating. There is no secret sauce to ending the fighting, but being prepared for the triggers and for what consequences make sense if it gets out of line, will at least help you feel a little more in control.
They don’t have to be best friends, but hopefully one day they will be.
Your friend,
Caitlin
P.S. This one is dedicated to my sister, Meaghan, who would go to battle for me every single day of the year, but who also gas-pedaled me any time I got too close to her on the couch, slammed the door on my hand as I held on to the door frame as she kicked me out of her bedroom, tackled and straddled me and beat me with a sneaker for eavesdropping on her phone call…can you tell who the little sister is?
