Trying to raise 90’s kids in 2025…
Support & Guide Over Control & Compliance
I grew up as a latchkey kid in the 90s. Both of my parents worked full-time, long before the days of “work from home.” My sister and I would come home to a long list of chores and a $20 bill on the kitchen table (very generous for the 90s). The list included laundry, dishes, skimming and vacuuming the pool, sweeping the patio, prepping dinner, cleaning our rooms—you name it, it was probably on there. My friends still joke about it to this day!
Most summer mornings, our friends would come over and help us chip away at the list so we could get out the door sooner. During the school year, we packed our own lunches, got ourselves to and from school, finished our homework, and often started dinner or set the table so my parents didn’t have to begin from scratch when they got home. That way, we could all sit down together for a family dinner.
I’m making it sound like we were Cinderella—we weren’t. We had plenty of luxuries: ski trips in February, summers on the Cape, a pool in the backyard, and trips to Florida to visit grandparents. Not too shabby.
I loved my childhood, and those responsibilities made me, well, responsible. My sister and I were the first of our friends to have jobs, which taught us so much about people and about life. Having our own money gave us the freedom to go places without worrying about whether our parents could afford it.
All of those responsibilities came with the perk of independence. We figured things out on the fly, and the more we figured out, the more confident we became in our ability to handle life.
The Reality for Our Kids
My kids don’t have the luxury of growing up in the 90s. So how do I replicate the childhood that made me who I am—thirty years later, in a world that feels a million miles away from the one I grew up in? And maybe the bigger question: can they have a different childhood than mine and still grow up independent and successful? If the answer is yes—and I believe it is—how do we get there?
Here’s the reality. I’m a teacher, so I’m around after school and all summer. Their grandparents are retired and very involved in their lives. Many of their friends’ parents work from home or locally and are also around a lot. Everywhere my kids turn, there’s an adult to step in, if needed.
Add to that: they carry us around in their pockets. With phones, our kids have 24/7 access to us. On one hand, that makes us feel safer—knowing they can call or text anytime. But does it actually prepare them to be safe on their own? Does immediate access to us build problem-solving skills, or does it teach them to outsource every decision? What does real safety and preparedness look like for this generation? These are questions worth sitting with.
Because the truth is, just because we’re here doesn’t mean our kids need to hear from us—or ask permission—for every little thing they do.
Preparing Them for the Real World
It’s hard not to butt in. Hard not to solve their problems or dole out consequences when they don’t do what we ask the moment we ask it. Hard not to break up sibling rivalry or threaten to take away privileges just to keep the peace. But no one did that for us. We figured it out—and our kids need to figure it out too.
If we solve everything for them, they’ll never build the confidence to handle challenges when we aren’t around. Our job isn’t to protect them from the real world—it’s to prepare them for it.
So how do we prepare them?
By setting boundaries. By making expectations clear and then stepping back to let them try. They don’t need us to solve every problem, narrate every move, or approve every decision. What they do need is space to test themselves, stumble, self-correct, and succeed.
Control vs. Independence in Everyday Life
Homework
Control: Hovering over your teen, checking every answer, and correcting mistakes before the teacher ever sees them. Emailing teachers instead of letting your child advocate for themselves. Refreshing the online grade portal daily and leading with, “How did you do on your test?” instead of first asking, “How are you feeling about school?”
Independence: Letting them turn in work—even imperfect work—so they learn accountability and receive feedback. Allowing late assignments if they mismanage time, then helping them reflect: “That was the grade you earned. What do you think you’ll do differently next time?” That’s the natural consequence of not putting in effort—not a punishment from you.
Friendships
Control: Choosing their friends, forbidding relationships, planning every hangout, stepping in at the first sign of conflict, or scrolling through their phone simply because you pay for it—not because of a genuine concern for safety.
Independence: Allowing them to navigate social ups and downs while staying available to listen. Asking, “How did that situation make you feel? What options do you have for handling it?” Then letting them decide, and reminding them you trust their judgment.
Daily Routines
Control: Dictating what they wear, where they can go (unless its unsafe), or shutting down emotions that make you uncomfortable.
Independence: Letting them express their style, asking if they’ll need a ride later so you can plan, and listening to all their messy emotions without immediately fixing them. Natural consequences are powerful teachers—being cold because they refused to bring a sweatshirt or scrambling because they forgot to plan transportation, usually only has to happen once.
Sports & Activities
Control: Coaching from the sidelines, undermining the coach’s plays and calls, breaking down every error , or rehashing mistakes in the car ride home.
Independence: Cheering them on, letting the coach do the coaching, and reading their mood after the game: “Do you want to talk about it, or just listen to music on the ride home?”
Controlling parents don’t raise confident kids…
Parenting through control might keep kids in line for a moment, but it doesn’t equip them with the skills they’ll need when we aren’t there. Parenting through support—by guiding, encouraging, and allowing independence—builds confidence, resilience, and true preparedness.
Because in the end, isn’t that the goal? To raise kids who don’t need us to thrive, but who still want us by their side as they do.
Your Friend,
Caitlin
