Providing isn’t Parenting
In my last blog, I talked about the high school catfish story that left us all shaking our heads. But today, I want to shift the spotlight—not on the teen, not on the mom—but on the dad.
The dad didn’t know the state of his family’s finances?
He didn’t seem to question why his wife wasn’t working?
He didn’t notice (or chose not to notice) the unhealthy parenting happening right under his nose?
That’s not just “oops, I missed it.” That’s alarming.
My first reaction was, “the poor dad was so shocked…” but then my focus shifted… “How did he not know??”
It shines a light on a reality too many families live: the married single parent. One parent is physically present but not actively engaged, leaving the other parent to carry the invisible load—meals, homework, appointments, forms, rides, emotions, meltdowns, everything.
Co-parenting isn’t just for divorced families. It’s for all families. Parenting is a team sport. If only one player is hustling, the team loses. Every time.
The Default Parent Dilemma
The “default parent” is the one the kids automatically go to, the one who knows the teacher’s name, who remembers the dentist appointments, who signs the permission slips at 10 p.m. when everyone else is already asleep.
Default parents do the work because if they don’t, it won’t get done. But default doesn’t have to mean only.
Default parenting happens because of personalities, schedules, organizational strengths of one of the parents… it can shift throughout the kids lives, but in most homes there is one parent that is the default.
Default is different than a single parent- a single parent is the only parent who is bearing the entire load! As some of us know, you can be a single parent, and still married. Absentee parenting is defined by parents who are physically present but absent from the role of parenting.
What Absentee Parenting Looks Like
A parent who is in the house but not actively parenting might:
Rely on the other parent to handle all school, health, and social responsibilities.
Say things like, “Ask your mom,” or “Your dad handles that,” when kids come to them.
Rarely attend games, performances, or school meetings.
Avoids difficult conversations, leaving the default parent to handle discipline, emotional support, and conflict.
Claim their role is “bringing home the paycheck” and check out of daily parenting tasks.
Be physically present but emotionally disengaged—sitting on the couch, scrolling, or isolating rather than connecting.
Impact on Teens
Teens are keenly aware of the relationships surrounding them, when a parent is unengaged they feel it. As adults we may be able to rationalize behaviors by our partners- our teens will not. An unengaged parent makes their teen feel like they don’t matter, and they they lose their right to parent. Teens don’t always like what we have to say, but if they respect us, they will listen. If a parent hasn’t earned their teens respect- they lose their voice, their impact.
Here is what happens with an absentee/unengaged parent:
Emotional Gap: Teens may feel unimportant, unseen, or like their relationship with that parent is shallow.
Strained Default Parent Relationship: Teens often become more enmeshed with the default parent, which can lead to tension, overdependence, or resentment.
Modeling Imbalance: Kids internalize that one parent is “the responsible one” and the other gets a free pass. This can distort how they view roles in their own future relationships.
Missed Bonding: Teens lose out on unique memories, traditions, and mentorship that could have come from that parent.
Why It Happens
Absentee parenting can stem from:
Work stress/overcommitment: Using career as an excuse to disconnect.
Cultural or generational roles: Believing “parenting isn’t my job.”
Emotional avoidance: Not knowing how to handle tough conversations or teen emotions.
Personal struggles: Mental health issues, addiction, or burnout.
How to address it:
Conversation Starters That Invite, Not Attack
If you’re the default parent, here are some ways to start the conversation in a way that’s about teamwork—not blame:
Name the Need
Instead of: “You never help.”
Try: “Our teen needs both of us showing up, even in different ways. What’s something you’d feel good leading on?”
Here are some more prompts that invite without attacking
“I’d like us to think about parenting as more of a team—what’s one area you’d feel good taking the lead on?”
“I’m stretched thin. Could we pick one part of the week where you’re fully in charge so I can step back?”
“When you think about the kids’ routines, what’s something you’d actually enjoy being the go-to parent for?”
“I know I default to doing things automatically. Want to sit down and make a list of who handles what so it feels fair?”
Suggest a specific role: “Would you be the homework parent?” or “Can you do Wednesday carpools?” rather than vague “help more.”
“If the kids had to describe what each of us does for them, what would they say? Do we want to shift that picture a little?”
Highlight Missed Opportunity
“When you step back, you don’t just leave me with the work—you lose the chance to build your own bond with them.”
Normalize Teamwork
Frame it as a family value: “Co-parenting isn’t just for divorced families—it’s for all families. Our teen deserves both of us.”
Accountability Without the Fight
Even with good intentions, things can slide. Here are ways to build accountability that doesn’t require you to nag:
Weekly Check-In: Take 15 minutes on Sunday night to look at the calendar. Who’s driving? Who’s calling the doctor? Who’s ordering the birthday gift? It keeps everyone aware and accountable.
Divide by Category, Not Task: Instead of “you make dinner tonight,” it’s “you own dinners this week.” Instead of “drive Tuesday,” it’s “you’re the sports parent this season.” Full ownership prevents micromanaging.
Use Visuals: Shared calendar, family whiteboard, app—make responsibilities visible so it’s not one person’s brain holding all the information.
Rotate Ownership: Swap roles monthly. This keeps responsibilities from becoming cemented into gendered or default patterns.
Future-Focused Questions: “What would make next week feel lighter for both of us?” is a lot more effective than “Why don’t you ever help?”
Why Two Connected Parents Matter
Here’s what often gets missed: kids don’t just need parents who “help.” They need parents who connect.
Whether you’re married or divorced, your teen needs a meaningful relationship with both parents in their own unique way. One parents relationship with the teen will look different than the others—and that’s the point. Both matter. Both are opportunities to truly know your child.
When one parent checks out, the teen misses that connection. And so does the parent. It’s not just an unfair workload—it’s a lost chance to be part of your teen’s world.
For True Single Parents
Now, I want to pause here for true single parents—those who really are raising their teens solo. If that’s you, I see you. The load you carry is real, and it’s heavy.
But here’s the good news: teens thrive when they have multiple trusted adults in their corner. If your teen only has one parent, finding them other adults you both trust is key. A grandparent, aunt, uncle, coach, youth leader, neighbor—anyone who can provide that extra layer of connection and perspective.
And for you? Sharing the mental load with other adults you trust isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom. You’re not meant to carry it all alone.
Final Word
The default parent may always exist—it’s natural for kids to lean toward one parent over the other. But default shouldn’t mean doing it alone.
If you’re the partner who’s sitting on the sidelines: get in the game. If you’re the default parent: don’t settle for silent resentment—invite, delegate, and hold accountable.
And if you’re parenting solo: surround your teen (and yourself) with other trusted adults who can share the load.
Parenting is heavy, messy, exhausting work. It’s not about one person carrying it all. It’s about carrying it together—so our teens feel loved, supported, and truly known.
Your Friend,
Caitlin
